One of our three dogs, my sweet, sweet Cash, died very suddenly this morning in a freak thing. He was fine, and he went out to go pee this morning, and when I opened the door to call them in for breakfast, he was lying in the yard, up on the rise where he likes to sit. He's had strange health problems for the three years of his labradoodle life, and the vet guesses that his little body wasn't put together quite right. We are just shattered, of course. I take great comfort in knowing that it couldn't be helped, that it wasn't anything we did or didn't do, and that it was instantaneous instead of him having to go through a long illness and lots of pain. I want to yell at the gods, beg mercy of them, but I have a suspicion that this is mercy on their part. I've just known someone would die this month, I just didn't think it would be one of my puppy boys.
He is truly the sweetest, most joyful being I have ever known. His love was immeasurably great, so much so that sometimes it was overwhelming enough to make me just weep while he sat with me on the couch because I don't know how to process that much love. He was my shadow everywhere. It's strange to sit alone without him under my desk. I don't know how to process it. Grieving isn't something I have a lot of experience with, and I love my animals more than I love most people. We wrapped him in the best sheet I had and had to give the body to the vet for cremation because the drought has made the ground too hard to dig by hand.
Perhaps it's growing up in a faith that seemed riddled with traps and pitfalls that guarantee punishment from above, but the hand of guilt is heavy on me. Did I do something to anger the gods? Am I not hearing something and being cruelly shaken awake? A kick in the pants to get with the program on spending time with the dead? Are things going wrong because I'm not doing what they want, or are they merely normal life stuff to go through? I keep catching snatches of visions of Cash being so happy, crossing over so free, finally having a body that will let him run and bound. I'm so afraid they're just being created by my own mind from wishful thinking because I'm good at visualizing.