Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Lately, I feel stuck waiting, like a girl at a dance without a date. Too many directions and projects and paths to explore, but the time isn't right to march down a different path, let alone go exploring off in the woods. That's a blessing, actually. After the pummeling the last few years handed out, having time and space to recover, regroup, and get strong is something I really need. I need to pay attention and take advantage of it. It would be nice to just live instead of strive and scramble all the time.

I asked the Universe to teach me patience a while back, on that ill-conceived Imbolc, and situations are cropping up long after that where it is made clear that I am still being taught. Acceptance and wise use of the time and situations come more easily now, but too often I bend my knee and bow my head to it with hackles raised and eyes flashing. I understand that I am being shown where things are headed, then being made ready in the meantime. I still worry about things not working out right instead of accepting that I can't control the future and that I will be provided for.

Time to know myself and be sure of my decision is a wonderful blessing, but it's really difficult not to have milestones in view, or to feel like I'm progressing at all. All cooped up. There's this Gemma Hays song that says, "Today I ran for miles, just to see what I was made of. Today I ran for all that was mine." I tried that, but it was more like I ran for yards, found out I was made of lethargy, and now feel more held back than ever. When I look down the long-term road, things are extra uncertain. Pretty much the only certain things are that the WTBf and I love each other very much and work well together, and that it's practically impossible that he'll be able to work here, where we're from and where our families and friends are. While he works through his Doctorate, a lot of things are put on hold for me. No long-term career plans or grad school. Just kind of a holding pattern until we see what the Universe has in store for us.

It's not all about the uncertain future. Keeping me flustered and stuck in the short term, is our move in the next couple of weeks. My things have to be put away, then taken back out. Given new homes in our new home. I've been sick, so packing is running about ten days behind schedule. Everything must be properly boxed, labeled, and dealt with.

The disturbance of order and suspension of normal life make me anxious, put me in a funky headspace, even though moving is excellent and well worth the trouble. (A house with a yard, rather than a noisy apartment! More room!) My focus is crap because of the moving and things being out of place, in boxes. It's so pervasive that when I went down to meet my helper last night during meditation, she was waiting for me in my new kitchen, idly inspecting the way I was arranging things. Instead of running through the forests, I spend my sleeping hours organizing shining appliances, dishes, and glasses on a baker's rack or over-engineering the constructing of simple tables and bed frames. Ugh. I'll be glad when it's all said and done, the old apartment cleaned out and given back, everything put in its place in the new house, and us settled into a quieter, slightly more genteel life.

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